Just His Breath
by wandertogondor
Summary: Sometimes the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical.


Sam raised his head, suddenly aware of the hot bullets of water soothing his tense muscles as he stood under the shower. The warmth surrounding him was unlike the bitter chill outside the compact, comfortable room. He almost got caught up in the thought of how homely the bunker had started to become.

Almost.

The hunter shifted in place as he rolled his shoulders in relief though the soreness hadn't left his body. He took a minute to talk himself out of turning the water off, but felt an intoxicating exhaustion wash over him as the steam rose into his face as the water stopped. Slowly stepping out of the shower and planting his feet on the dry floor mat Sam exhaled, raising one hand up to wipe the droplets of water that was coated over the mirror leaving a blurred imprint of his hand behind. His half-closed eyes absently focused on his own reflection. A grimace curled across his strong face. He was standing there now, alive. He was alive while so many other good people were dead and gone.

All he wanted to do was to be free to choose his own, and yet he can't control his own being. He loses agency over his mind and body again and again, first by demon blood, possession, addiction, being a vessel...all leading up to losing all of his agency when Lucifer took over. And he spent over two and a half years trying to recover from the trauma, by losing control over his mind even more, by losing his soul, by literally going mad...and just when he felt that he was starting to become his own person, her voice called out to him.

"Why did you leave me, Sam?" Her words were smooth. Just like he remembered. "Wasn't I important to you?"

Sam's lips parted to reply. His mind was racing to tell her how much he was sorry...how important she was to him. But he couldn't get to the finish line fast enough. If only his words were brave enough to speak the regret he felt.

He looked up to meet her eyes, still standing in the bathroom while she graced the other side of the mirror like a picturesque masterpiece built in pure gold, flawless.

"Why did you let me burn!?" Angry tears reddened her eyes."You left me like it was nothing to you!"

Sam swiped his hand over the mirror, obscuring her face as the words settled in the dense air around him.

"Sam? Baby, look at mommy."

"No," Sam gasped, pushing against the wall, refusing to look up as his eyes stung. He looked upward, hoping the tears would recede instead of burn him slowly as he held onto dear life.

"It's all because of my little angel. All because of you."

He didn't even need to meet her eyes to know that she was staring at him. He couldn't talk himself into looking into his mother's eyes and apologizing for being a burden. He couldn't bear to ask for her forgiveness. Without opening his tightly shut eyes, Sam smeared the water droplets on the mirror again, cautiously looking up to see if it was over.

"Sammy?" Dean's voice snapped him out of a trance.

The youngest Winchester recoiled at the face he saw looking back at him. Dean's face was bloodied and his chest was ripped open by hellhounds.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dean continued with an evil grin curling across his face amidst the aching cuts and coagulated stream of blood snaking across his upper lip. "Look at you," he sneered. "Look at yourself, Sam. You're nothing but my shadow. You know dad liked me better. That's why you left. Left like you're so good at doing. You left me. You left Jess. You leave everyone because you're just so good at it. You've screwed up so many times and always looking back at me to clean up your messes. Look at me now, Sam!" Dean pointed to his face, looking down at the flesh torn across his midriff. "This happened to me because you were selfish! You only care about yourself and you don't think about the consequences your actions have on other people. You don't think about the people who love you the most! You never loved us! Not mom, not Jess, not me! Because you don't destroy the people you love, Sam!"

Sam didn't fight back. He didn't try justifying his actions or his mistakes. He deserved everything that Dean was saying. He deserved more pain and more agony because he wanted to make up for hurting those who breathed in his poison.

Dean leaned closer toward the mirror to come closer to his brother's face. "Look at me, Sammy. Look at what you did to me."

To his horror, Sam squinted past tears long enough to see his brother's face slowly morph into Lucifer. "No...you're gone!"

Lucifer flashed a toothy grin, replying with sick enthusiasm. "Nope. Still here. You can run away, buddy. You can run anywhere you liked but that's about it because no matter where you go, no matter how far you run...I will always be here. With you. Inside you."

"You're in my head."

Lucifer crossed his arms against his chest and shrugged indifferently. "You always were the crazy one."

With trembling hands he shifted all his weight against the wall, leaning into the sink as he tried to catch his breath because at that moment every breath he took was all he could claim as his own. Not his body, not his mind...his breath.

* * *

**A.N.: I literally was crying as I wrote this because I value Sam so much and I cannot bear to think how the hell he thinks so low of himself. Sam has done bad things, but he has done good things too. We all see him as a hero because we've seen him risk his life so many times, he has fought without a second thought, and he has saved so many people. To us, it's obvious how great of a person he is. No matter how many times he has made mistakes, we still love and value him. We see the good in him that he can't - or won't see in himself. He is special, and strong, and brave. **


End file.
